And I’m not sure why. The kids spring break started last Friday and we’ve been on the go ever since. We had a great Easter morning here at home and then went over to my brothers for Easter dinner where my parents were there too. Then this week was Busch Gardens one day, the pool at my brothers another and then yesterday mini golf and the beach in Madeira Beach followed by a great dinner at St. Johns Pass. So we’re having a great spring break, but there’s something missing and something additional I wish wasn’t there.
Sean and I haven’t had time alone since I started working and it’s starting to really get to me. Weekend nights, before working, we’d hang out in the den or on the back porch just sitting and talking. We can’t do that anymore because of my new job. We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore because when I work say 7-11 or even 7-1 I have to have complete silence in the bedroom and since he snores he sleeps out on the couch. And waking him up at 1am when he has to be up for work at 4:30am doesn’t work too well. So this new job has put a serious damper on alot of things. Not to mention whenever we are out, we have to be home in time for me to work so that also puts a huge damper on any weekend plans. And I don’t know if I can keep this up. I haven’t had a job in 13 years – haven’t had to go by anyone elses’s schedule but the kids and well…..the families in general. And my kids are still at the ages where they WANT me in their lives and they want me to be at everything. I don’t want to look back at these years and realize how miserable I was in a job that was keeping me away from doing the very things I live for. I don’t care if we’re just getting by – I’m not one to get manicures and pedicures all the time, or eat out or even get my hair cut (lucky if I do that once a year) so I know how to cut back.
Yet I don’t know how to quit. Every time I go to either make the phone call or write down what I need to say I start crying. I feel like a failure. I keep thinking maybe I need to wait until my 90 day trial period is up and when I can then request days off, etc. And that’s only 3 weeks away. But last night I got into such a tizzy, I’m surprised I didn’t quit right then and there. My sleeping habits have always been horrible but this job doesn’t help. And I’m so tired of being crabby on the days after I work until 1am – to the point where my kids give me these looks like I’m such a monster. There’s no way I can do this job and be a substitute teacher (something I’ve signed up for and taken the class for). Yet it could take a few weeks until I get into the system to be able to sub. And THAT job has THE perfect schedule for me. So much so I’m now looking into getting my teachers certificate.
We just got our taxes back which helped us out alot money wise. Some bills are paid off or are now up to date. But I don’t see this extra income meaning anything if I’m miserable and everyone else in this family is too. And all of this weighing on my mind is putting me into a serious funk.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.